A was around 10 years old when I misused my Aunt’s pepper spray. I sprayed some on my wrist and told my brother to smell her perfume. He screamed. For the life of me, I don’t remember if I laughed. I hope not. But then, I knew what it was, and I knew that it would hurt him when I did it. Still I chose to do it. What does that say about me?
This occurrence highlights a truth about me that will plague my life for decades. Put simply, I was a person who was happy to manipulate others for my gain or amusement with little to no regard for the consequences. Now that, is hard a truth to admit.
There are of course a slew of traumas that crafted this person I had become at age 10. That; however, is not the point of this reflection. I don’t want to get distracted for comforts sake. So yes, I think that maybe I was a bit of a psychopath at age 10. This behavior would continue through my teens and into my adult life. Then, one day a few years ago, I realized something that would change things for me.
I came to believe that as we contemplate ourselves, our brain offers choices: truth or a comforting lie. We often select the option that avoids pain or blame. For example, as a child I had done a thing for which my mother was furious. She said someone was getting a spanking. Everyone knew it was me that had done the thing. But, she wanted me to confess and I declined to do so. She tried to force the confession by threatening to spank the other children if I didn’t admit what I had done. She miscalculated. I chose not to confess. All of the children received a spanking, except me.
The comfortable lie is that my mother was at fault for their pain because she knew they didn’t do it and yet she spanked them all anyway. The uncomfortable truth is that it was another example of me not valuing the people around me enough to take responsibility for my actions. I had no empathy.
There are many comfortable lies I tell myself. They all involve laying the blame for a consequence at someone else’s doorstep. At some point these lies began to itch a bit. As I learned to try to really see myself, I learned that I was the villain or played a villainous part in many of the stories for which I had felt victimized. In order to deal with the way this truth felt, I had to learn empathy for myself. I had to learn to see myself, forgive my flaws and learn from mistakes.
I began to seek out ways to open my heart. I learned empathy for myself by practicing on others. Then one day during a meditation, I gained another truth that made my hear smile.
I understood that I had experienced so much pain and terror at an early age that I turned away from or tuned out of my ability to feel. Yet, all the while I was seeking people to love me. Wanting someone to warm the cold vastness within me, not realizing I was asking them to fill a bottomless cup–a hopeless endeavor.
Once I tuned back into my ability to feel, I was more open and receptive than I was prepared for and that has had it’s challenges, but I’m no longer closed off to the suffering of those around me. I’m a person that takes responsibility for my actions. I love authentically and fiercely. I am guided by my empathy and I trust my intuition. My heart smiles because I’m proud of the road I’m on.
Sometimes, I still struggle, with empathy for others and myself. It’s normally when I have some type of expectation that is not gelling with some outcome. I’m still in a work in progress, and I am fully committed to the process. That’s the thing about creating the best version of yourself, it takes practice and patience. It’s a journey.
What about you? What are the comfortable lies you tell yourself? What truths are they covering up? How can those truths help propel you to your next best version of yourself? I encourage you to embark on this journey for yourself answering these questions and healing those memories that may be unwitting feeding into a victim mentality. Facing your truths will give you power. Now go do the work. You deserve it!
Wishing you endless adventures and self-discoveries,
Gena
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